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I have had a pretty good summer! As I said in my last post, I had a great visit from a friend. I then had another friend come for a week and although I felt quite awful at times and had lots of sensitivity to noise, light and sensory overload as well as other things, she is the kind of friend who made the experience more pleasant. She just kept me company and we still had fun. It is hard to be around people when symptoms are severe so I was so grateful to have someone so chilled out and who knows me so well to be here with me. After that I had a few days to gather my self, my strength and my essential belongings before heading up to Scotland for a week. I was really surprised that although the travel was hard (and I slept literally the whole day after we got there) I managed to go out briefly three times during our stay and really enjoyed the things we did and saw. After that we again had a few days break before my partner went away with work, and my mum came up to help me cope with my daily needs and keep me company. We had a good time, and it felt quite busy despite only going out to a doctor’s appointment one day and a quick trip to see the sea and sit in a cafe another day. That was last week and this week we have the builders in – they may still be here next week actually. So it has been really busy!

I was a bit daunted by this summer before it happened. I worried about how I would feel, whether I would be able to enjoy things or if I would feel too bad to make the most of things that were happening and feel I was missing out. I have been pleasantly surprised by what I have done and how I have recovered quite quickly from each thing. I have been very careful, of course, but think my post-exertional malaise is not as severe as it used to be, particularly looking back to last year. I do get a flare up of symptoms, more pain and neurological symptoms rather than fatigue, per se. The sleeping all day the day after travelling was really unusual for these days, though so was such a long journey. It took three hours.

So here I am back at home and contemplating what I want to focus on over the next few months. Some things have come out of the GP appointment which will take some time and focus. I will talk about them in another post. It has been interesting to be without a computer, or accessing it less over the last couple of months. I really want to keep my blog going and interact with my online friends, but I also want to be online less and do more creative things. I did not really miss the extra internet hours and think I need to set some boundaries for myself so that I am only online at certain times of day and for short periods. I doubt I will miss out on much and it will focus my attention to the important stuff.

I really want to actually DO more creative stuff rather than just think about it and I need to make some space. The health stuff is going to take some time each day, so I need to make a plan! I would love to go with the flow more, as I expect I have expressed in previous posts, but with such limited functional time each day it is really hard to do that. I also find it really hard to remember what I need to do, so unless I have a plan I use my energy on non-essentials and forget the important stuff. Not good and does not give any sense of achievement. I have a new creative project with a friend so I need to make time and space for that. I am quite excited about it!

I subscribe to Sustainably Creative, by Michael Nobbs who is an artist living with ME. He is trying to earn a living through creative means in a way that fits around his energy issues. He has helped me to think about how I can fit in more creativity and work out what is important for me to focus on. He sends out regular digital postcards, an illustrated newsletter and daily podcasts which I really enjoy. This month new members get a free copy of his latest book! (He has produced others too). Whilst I do very little and could not contemplate trying to earn money from creativity right now, it is really good for me to do little bits and bobs and feel some sense of identity as an artist, not just as an ill person. While the latter wins out most days, the creativity and ideas are always there bubbling beneath the surface, even if I am not doing anything about them. It is good to see how others are trying to navigate these issues.

So, while I am back to the old routines in many ways, I hope to shake up a few and make some small changes, hopefully for the better.

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Well, hello again, this is a long overdue update but much will have been forgotten as so much time has passed…

I have been to see the POTS specialist again who changed the dosage of both drugs I am on, but the second one did not seem to agree with me so I have reverted to the original dosage for now and might try again when I am not so busy and can tell perhaps more easily if it is really the drug or just that I am not doing so well for other reasons… I don’t want to dismiss it too readily as I know the options are limited and the lower dose has really helped. Maybe less is more, but my concern is that if this dose is the best for me with this drug, where do I go from here? Can a third drug be added to the mix (the more drugs, the more chance of interactions and negative effects) or do I have to forego the benefits of this one in order to see if something else suits me better? Tricky.

The weekend before last a friend came to visit, and I had a really lovely and relaxed weekend with her. I felt more able to chat and interact than I expected as had had a bad lead up, so it was good. We even did some creative stuff together! I have had over a week to recuperate and tomorrow another friend is coming for a week! Soon after that we are going away to Edinburgh for a week, so the rest of the month is very busy. All with fun things, so I hope I will be up to enjoying them.

I have been waking up really early recently, and sleeping less hours in total due to this. In general I am still functional as I was but am having a lot of symptoms/pain generally, which feels a bit strange. It may just be that I feel I am functional because I am not really trying to do anything big and my activity is limited to the mornings. By evening I feel pretty bad, despite my afternoon nap and I am going to bed earlier and earlier, though not getting to sleep any earlier in general. This early waking may just be the effect of summer or a new phase.

I do need to go to the GP and talk about my pain issues, but that won’t happen until September now. I had a bit of a scare when I forgot my Gabapentin one night, but did not realise I had missed the dose. My nerve pain was terrible and I barely slept. It seems to be in new places and felt worse than I remembered. There was no position to lie in without triggering it, whereas I used to be able to lie on my back with my legs up. I was so relieved when I discovered that I had forgotten to take my tablets and that I did not need to rush to the GP to find something new to help me. I am finding the drug less effective than it was and I wish there was something that would help with the nerve pain as well as the other types. I am not living in constantly bad pain, but certainly constant discomfort and there are periods of the day that are worse than others. It is good to know how much Gabapentin is working, even if it is not perfect.

I have not felt able to write blog posts, nor read many blogs by other people either, which I do miss. I like to keep up with how people are and what is going on but it just feels like there is not enough time/energy available for it all. My best hours in the morning can disappear very quickly doing essentials. I am going to have an internet break during this coming visit and also when away. I am spending a lot of time on facebook (as I can access it on my phone) which I get a lot from as it is my social life, and I don’t want to lose touch with everyone but I feel I need a bit of a break, especially from the more political stuff and news of Wessley that seems unavoidable recently. I would like to see what space a break will open up in my life, and seeing as I will be doing fun/sociable things in real life it seems a good time to try.

Speaking of Wessley, I wrote to The Times newspaper in response to an article they wrote about him and the death threats he has been getting. This is one of several media articles covering this story over the past week and I finally had enough and felt I had to do something in response. I won’t dignify them with a link, suffice to say they are very one-sided and another story about ME that does not address any of the really important issues, instead just focussing on the actions of a very small number of people with ME in order to undermine us and the validity of our voices. The reasons for these threats were not represented and the article itself admitted they were very few in number. I don’t know if my letter will be published, but I hope they do publish some decent responses as I know of other people who have written in.

Oh, I nearly forgot! I must mention the new International Consensus Criteria, published in the Journal of Internal Medicine. It gives a very clear definition of ME, as opposed to CFS. I really hope it will be adopted and used by doctors around the world and in research to move things along more swiftly.

I have just read The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating by Elisabeth Tova Bailey. I really enjoyed it and recommend it to people with ME who sometimes find reading difficult – it is short, simply written and in small chapters. It is really lovely and has nice illustrations too, even in the Kindle version.

I have had a few nice trips to the beach over the last few months. It has been really nice to get out a bit this summer. I saw some great waves!

I will stop here, though I am sure there is much more I could say. Will be back in the Autumn, no doubt. All the best til then to my friends.

*I just found this in my Drafts folder, written in November 2009! Might as well post it now. I decided not to watch the film after writing this, as the reviews were SO bad.*

I have just finished reading The Time Traveller’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I have read it before but I recently decided to read it again, partly because I am sending it to a friend and wanted to refresh my memory of it, partly because I loved it so much but my memory of it was getting hazy and the film has been made and before I rent the dvd I wanted to make the book firm in my mind to protect it from being ruined by seeing the film (the books are always better than the films, eh? But the film version can erase our memories of the book). Also I was listening to the BBC Ouch! podcast and they mentioned how it is basically a book about living with disability. Although I had got that the first time, I have been thinking about disability a lot more since I first read it and wanted to read it with that in mind…

Well, even though I had read it before it did not dilute the enjoyment, awe or emotional response this time around. I love this book!

I am not going to talk about it and spoil it for people who have not read it yet (including the friend I have promised it to, who will read this) but I would like to say that it deals with issues of living in a differently-abled body which behaves in unpredictable and unconventional ways (er, time travelling! As Ouch! said, it makes you wonder what will the disabilities of the future be?) and this is presented as a genetic condition. The book focusses on him living with this condition, trying to control his body, trying to be cured, effects on reproduction and relationships.

I really liked the way that his wife’s experience was so sensitively written. As anyone living with/caring for someone with an impairment, she experiences the compromises she has to make by association, how almost everything in their shared life is dominated by his condition, how she also has a different relationship to time and misses out on a lot of normal life experiences due to being in that relationship. Time is experienced differently by them both, not just because they are affected by time travel, but also due to the limitations brought upon them by his medical condition: living with disability. They both live for the good bits even if they are still compromised and always affected by it. There is a sense for him of not being entirely present in the present and feeling he is missing out on life, by thinking about other alternate times. This is something that I can relate to as someone with chronic illness who occasionally wastes time thinking about what I could be doing if I was better, rather than making the most of and appreciating what I am doing/can do now.

More than this, the universal themes of aging, embodiment, death, love, grief and loss are so movingly written I defy anyone not to identify with something in this book. Also a major theme is waiting. Waiting for better times, waiting for love, waiting for things to make sense. Who isn’t waiting for something?

Recently a friend of mine started asking around if anyone had tried taking digestive enzymes for their IBS. The one she had come across was specifically for helping to digest gluten. I had no idea that this kind of product was available and started to have a look into it.

I knew that some people took Lactase for dairy intolerance but despite the fact that I don’t tolerate dairy products very well it has never been something I have really missed so I have not tried it (I can eat a bit of cheese, so I am happy). I also have heard of a product that you can get in the US to help digestion of beans, which I assume is also an enzyme product. The promise of help with gluten was a revelation! (The products do not seem to help much with Coeliac Disease, only gluten intolerance, though research is being done to develop enzyme treatments in future as far as I can gather – I have not done a lot of reading on this but just to be clear gluten intolerance is not at all the same as Coeliac Disease).

I found this website which has a lot of useful information on it, which I have not yet read much of, called Enzyme Stuff. I read on there that I should choose a product that has DPP-IV Activity (whatever that is!). The one I am trying has per capsule a 300mg blend of:

Dipeptidyl Peptidase IV (DPP-IV) SEB-Pro GR (trademark symbol) (Protease I, Protease II, Protease III, Protease IV, Protease V), Amylase I, Amylase II, Glucoamylase, Cellulase, HemiSEB (Hemicellulase), Alpha-Galactosidase, Xylanase), Lactase and Lipase.

The capsules are vegetarian which is nice.

It “supports the digestion of protein in gluten-containing cereal grains including wheat as well as casein-containing milk products and other high protein foods”.

As it has so many enzymes I am planning on testing it on a variety of foods that I struggle to digest, not just gluten and dairy products.

For the last 2-3 years I have not eaten or have rarely eaten (and with consequences!): Gluten containing grains, any other grains except rice and quinoa (which is technically a fruit they say), any fruit except peeled pears and avocados, any potato that is not freshly cooked and still hot, beans and pulses, certain tougher or fibrous or cruciferous vegetables, vegetarian protein products except tofu, eggs, dairy products except small amounts of cheese and chocolate (of course), salads… can’t think what else! I am vegetarian so I already do not eat meat and fish, so you can see how limited my diet is. I am lucky that nuts and seeds have been fine.

So far this is what I have done:

Firstly, I took a capsule every meal for nearly three days just to see what effect it would have on me while I continued to eat my usual “safe” diet. I did not want to be confused by any reaction to the tablets themselves, though this was unlikely as I chose these ones in particular as they don’t have any extra ingredients that might cause me trouble (some products actually contain gluten and other problematic things as well as the enzymes, which seems strange, though perhaps demonstrates product confidence!). Result: things were not perfect either before I started to take the enzymes or during those three days, but there was no real change.

On day 3 I had a tortilla wrap (soft white bread) with fillings that I would usually eat with rice and I knew were safe. Result: No major problem, I did have increased wind and activity especially the following evening and it stopped me sleeping as well as usual, especially as my bladder was more sensitive and there was a bit more discomfort than usual but not too painful. No constipation or diarrhea, nor did I feel ill in myself which is a common result for me of eating something strange.

On day 6 I ate an egg! This is a big deal for me as egg yolk has long been as issue for me. As the enzymes mention high protein meals, I thought it was worth a try. Result: again, some reaction but nothing unbearable. Much the same as above.

I waited a bit after that to check for constipation as eggs are bad for that, and also as had visitors I held off trying anything else in case of anti-social bodily behaviour, so –

Day 10 I went to a pub and had a cheese baguette with chips! Chips eaten out are a big problem for me as potato starches become indigestible (and cause trouble to me at least) when they have cooled, so anything like pub chips that are cooked in two stages are not good. The following day (gaining in confidence) I ate a cheese sandwich made from lovely granary bread with mayo and a little bit of red onion and lettuce. That was delicious! Result: That was three days ago and there has been no real issues for the increased risky foods all in one go, or for having them two days in a row!

It is early days and I need to do a lot more experimentation and also decide what changes to bowel habit I can live with and what is too much. There have been changes and I would not like them to be constant, or to be worse (if I ate normally it would potentially be much worse as most people eat gluten and other foods I am very sensitive to, at every meal). However I am really happy with how these first experiments have gone and especially that I do not feel much worse in myself. I am allowing for a period of readjustment to a change in diet as I have not eaten these foods for so long. I am still taking my anti-spasmodic tablets which I think are helping, but I know from trying a few different foods while just taking them that adding the enzymes has really made a difference as I was still having fairly marked reactions before I started to take them. I know it may seem like I am being over-cautious but I really have had very strong reactions to so many foods and have tried again and again to reintroduce foods back into my diet with no luck. This really has been so much better than I expected and I am looking forward to trying lots of different things and seeing where the limits lie. I doubt this will be a complete solution to my problems but I am really hopeful from these initial tests that it could be quite life-changing.

I suspect that I have a leaky gut and that the reason I often feel ill when my IBS flares up is that I am actually being poisoned as waste products “leak” back into my blood stream rather than being broken down as they should be. If enzyme supplements can help break these products down then this would be a big bonus for me. I have not felt this poisoned feeling at all! I might do another blog post on leaky gut issues as it is quite complex and I really should read more about it and see if there is anything else I can do to help myself improve/heal. I wonder if I should take a probiotic as well, I know it is recommended. I have taken them sporadically before. I also know that zinc is recommended and I do take a zinc supplement already.

I will read more about it all, and also perhaps try a different product next time to compare, as I have seen products listed for different issues and I need to research if any would be a better fit for my problems. If I can eat a more varied diet (and digest and get all the goodness out of what I eat) this can only be good for my health and also will allow me to go out to eat sometimes and even stay overnight somewhere without having to take my own food with me! This will mean a great deal to me and open up possibilities for occasional fun and sharing more things with my partner and friends. It will also help my partner if I can eat more convenience food occasionally as all my food has had to be cooked fresh (there are a few things I can eat as leftovers/reheated but not many). Also our menu at home, while tasty, has been very limited and I am sure she will enjoy a bit more variety as often there just is no time to make separate meals for each of us and my needs have dominated what we eat most of the time. Also if I eat less specialist foods our shopping bill might come down a bit. Well, it might help pay for the enzymes anyway.

So tomorrow is fresh pasta day! I can’t wait!

I see on reading my last post that well over a month has passed. I had a great time with my sister and hope she will come again soon as possible!

Since then I have had a nasty cold virus which knocked me back a bit. Very frustrating as although I am now recovered it took much longer than a cold should and I have not had the stamina I had previously. I still don’t actually. So much for the stability I was talking about in my last post! Things are stable, but only because I am doing very little most days.

I have been out in my wheelchair for a few walks, and that has been lovely. I hope to do that regularly now that the weather is warming up as even half an hour out of the house can really be beneficial. I like it when I see unexpected things. The first one I met two horses, one was very interested in my wheelchair and it only just missed being covered in horse drool (I had stood up to say hello to them, and was glad I did as horses are a bit intimidating close up, especially when curious!). The second time I saw a frog popping up to the surface of the water at the pond, presumably to breathe, then disappearing back into the murk. It did that several times. Then the last walk it was sunset (I got very cold!) and I saw fish noses or fins then a ring rippling out from where they surfaced to feed. There were lots of them, making circles all over the place. The water was very still so the ripples lasted for ages. It was very peaceful.

I have also been having some massages and they have been great. After the virus I just ached all over, right in between my ribs, front and back,  from coughing and like I had strained myself from the neck down really. Also due to my blocked nose I was better sleeping on my back as it seemed to stay clearer but that made my lower back pain flare up quite badly. I cannot have massage on my legs due to my neuropathic pain and general tenderness, but have really felt the benefit on my upper body. It has taken about three sessions to feel better though, to convince my muscles to give in to it. Obviously I will always have pretty much constant muscle pain and tension but I think it does help to ease it off every now and again. I have not had acupuncture for a long time but I will go back in May and stop the massage again soon (maybe just one more?!). I am not supposed to be having them as my acupuncturist said he did not think deep massage was good for me – shhh! Well I am sure it’s only moderate massage (not deep) so it’s FINE! Also it feels so good, so tough bananas…

In my previous post I also talked about wanting to use my energy for more creative things, having put so much into my benefits application so far this year and having had little energy left for fun or creativity. Due to the virus I have not done a lot, but I have been making some postcards for my friend, and that has been fun though each time I do one it creates much neck and upper back pain for a couple of days – I need to find a way to sit that is better but there seems no magic answer. I need to try some office chairs in a shop and find one that is supportive in all the right places, but have yet to make that trip out. I think that drawing (and other creative activity) by nature is hard to manage as when you concentrate on something like that you cannot help but tense some of your muscles as you draw. When those muscles have the stamina of a gnat, that causes pain very quickly! I have been enjoying the challenge of the postcards though and the sharing of it with a friend (she sends me a card she has done and I respond in kind).

The other thing I am classifying as creative activity is gardening. The weather has been lovely and I have been getting that spring feeling and my partner has been helping me by weeding, chopping things back and preparing pots for me. I have sown some flower seeds for the garden and also some herbs indoors. My cold frame is up and things are coming along nicely. I hope we will tackle some veg seeds next weekend – carrots, beetroot and spring onions!

I have also started taking some digestive enzymes over the last couple of weeks. I will blog about that separately…

Well, it is the end of February. One sixth of the year has disappeared and it has happened pretty fast. I do know where it has gone, I have been working on my Disability Living Allowance form for most of this time, when I have been up to it.

This form has taken over my life, along with appointments with all the medical professionals involved in my care to ask them to write supportive evidence for me in support of my application and also to talk to them about what is needed (as usually knowing about my medical conditions does not mean a doctor knows about how it affects me personally, which is what the benefits people need to know).

Last time I got help from a charity as it was the first time I had applied and had little idea what was required. This did help a lot in terms of energy for filling in the form, though not the outcome. This time I have largely filled it out myself, which with my physical and mental stamina has meant it has taken me a very long time. My partner has helped me type some parts and has physically written up the form, as well as checking what I have written and suggesting things I have forgotten, and that help has been really helpful but she is so busy that I could not ask for more and frankly, I am the one who knows the most about it and how it needs to be done. She could have gained that knowledge but it just seemed above and beyond to ask her to do that on top of everything else she has on her plate.

I know that my facebook friends and others are probably sick of hearing me talk about it as I have vented a little during the process and all will be relieved to hear that it will be sent off this week! Hurray! I cannot wait to see the back of it though I know that next time I hear anything it will be a request for a medical, which last time I found VERY traumatic and lead to the denial of my claim and I had to go to appeal. The whole process took a year. It was successful in the end, but I am really not looking forward to that all over again. It really takes over your life and energies and it was a hard year for me. I have filled this form in so thoroughly and carefully in the hope that it will go through and I can avoid that year of hell this time. I am crossing everything but I know that just about everyone with ME goes to appeal. Even my CFS specialist said so, so I should not get my hopes up. I know that so many people are going through benefits processes and appeals at the moment, the whole UK system is in a mess and people are being treated so unfairly. It is really inhumane.

Anyway, two months of my available energies have been used up already and I really want to use what I have now for better and more creative things. I have several new arty books from Xmas that I want to look at for inspiration as well as projects I have been planning for months (actually years) that I want to get on with. I also have a lot of fiction/non-art books that I want to read – I love having a pile of books waiting but at the moment it seems a little too high and I keep dipping into new ones before finishing the ones I am on! I need to focus on the ones in hand and ignore the temptations of the bookshelf or I will not fully enjoy each one as I go as I will have half an eye on the next one – no way to be!

One of the best things to happen so far this year was a couple of weeks ago I went to see The Imagined Village. I have seen them before and knew it would be good, but it exceeded my expectations (except it seemed to be over far too quickly) and it was a night to remember! I always love to see Eliza Carthy live, and they are all such talented and enthusiastic performers that it is a real joy to see people doing what they evidently love. There are more concerts planned by them and other related artists to raise money for Norma Waterson (Carthy) and family who is Eliza Carthy’s Mum and who is very ill in hospital. Details here.

Other news, my sister is coming to visit me this week! I have not seen her for nearly two years and I am looking forward to some fun! Also my garden is coming back to life after all that snow in December and I am feeling a little hint of spring in the air… I hope to be able to get outside a bit more soon.

Also interesting to note that though I don’t feel dramatically better, I feel that my condition is more stable in terms of energy at the moment. I do not seem to have much variation even after I have been to an appointment (or been to a concert!). I do still get post-exertional malaise, but it is not as severe as in the past (relative to my overall function levels) and I am finding I am getting more pain instead, if anything. This change is actually welcome. (I think one of the worst things whatever level of function is the unpredictable and ever-changing nature of this illness and not knowing what is ok to do and what the day will bring). I do rest more before and after an event and I am careful in what I choose to do and cannot go out often, but I feel it is not such a big risk to go out occasionally. I don’t mind taking more painkillers occasionally for a good reason. I think my wheelchair is helping me not have such a dramatic reaction to being out, and also perhaps my Alpha Stim and Acupuncture are helping me. I am sleeping better in general and I think this has a lot to do with it. My nerve pains are also more under control with the Gabapentin dose I am on and this of course helps a lot. Anyway, it is nice to have some calm and I hope it continues like this a while, especially if it means I can do some nice things at home and pop out a bit more. I could do with some fun, and I am sure I am not the only one!

Yes, I have been to more medical appointments and have more on the horizon.

Last week I saw my new GP for the second time and am pleased to report that she is still as good the second time around and I will be sticking with her. She was running very late though and we were there two hours in total so it was quite a struggle. I get the impression she always runs late as is the type of doctor who is more concerned with doing a good job than sticking rigidly to the time constraints imposed upon her. I don’t mind waiting really if I will get a good appointment where I will be listened to and taken seriously, though it is not great when you are unwell and it took some getting over. She did look quite frazzled though and my partner did comment that if she carries on doing such a good job she may get burn-out! I really hope not. Outcome of the appointment is that I am on a higher dose of Gabapentin for my nerve pain and have started Mebeverine for my IBS.

I have not taken any drugs for my IBS for many years (just relying on dietary changes, as well as having tried lots of probiotics but with no real change) but after more than two years of a restricted diet it is still flaring up and painful there is no more I can do on that front, so thought I would try again with the drugs. About ten years ago I tried them all and had no improvement, but I think there is a slight improvement already after just three days this time! I need longer to really know but I think there is less pain at night-time and perhaps things are a bit calmer as I have not been playing it especially safe food-wise. The GP did suggest that I could try Amitryptaline at a low dose to help with IBS but to ask the POTS specialist if it’s ok.

So this week I have been to see the POTS specialist. She says Amitryptaline not a great idea unless absolutely desperate as it can lower blood pressure and increase heart rate – two things I do not need.

We also discussed the drug (Dilzem) that she started me on last visit. I think it has helped my stamina and also my recovery time after doing things, enough to be a trend but not in a really dramatic way. It is better than nothing. She did not change my medications this time, only the timing of one tablet and I will be wearing a blood pressure monitor for 24 hours soon to check how I am doing. Based on the results of that she will know if I can tolerate higher doses of drugs or not and adjust as required. I hope I will get to try higher doses as I know POTS symptoms are still affecting me daily and where would we go from here if not? I am not sure!

So that is it, two pleasant appointments which makes a nice change.

On a vaguely related note, my trigeminal neuralgia has been bad the last few days. Gabapentin is a listed treatment for this condition, though not the main reason I am taking it, but still it keeps flaring up. I am concerned, as reading about it, it seems that it is something that gets worse and worse over time and can become very bad. I wonder how bad it would be now if I was not taking Gabapentin? I am seeing the ME/CFS specialist in a few weeks and want to talk to him about my neuropathic pain in general and also the trigeminal neuralgia. I would like to understand how these conditions fit into my ME/CFS (if they do) and what I can expect long-term with them. They are quite concerning and debilitating on top of everything else. I also want to ask him about Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN). This is taken by some people with similar itch/nerve pains as me as well as people with ME/CFS so I think it might be worth trying. I hope he will be open to letting me try it without having to fight for it.

I have just received an appointment for the Pain Clinic at my new GP surgery. It is for next week. I have already had an initial telephone call and also filled in an assessment form for them. The doctor I will be seeing seems very intelligent and not patronising and keen to help me understand my pain issues. He did talk a lot during our phone call about Fibromyalgia and pain sensitization (or something similar to that) which is good but I don’t think the whole picture. I do not have a Fibromyalgia diagnosis and may have to take some info with me about pain mechanisms and ME/CFS as they do seem to be distinct entities and there is often much pain in ME/CFS in it’s own right… At least he is willing to talk about biological processes though, and did not sound too much like he was just going to teach me breathing exercises. I doubt he will have much to say to help me understand the nerve pains though. It will be interesting. The appointment will be an hour long, which will be a challenge in itself.

It would be nice not to have all these medical appointments. I know various people with ME/CFS who rarely bother to go (or know there is no point with their existing doctor) but I seem to have various issues that I really cannot ignore and that for which there does seem some hope of management/improvement with medical treatment. It would be so freeing to not use all my energy up in this way and just to be able to focus on going out to do things that are pleasurable or useful but it seems it is not to be. There are things I have never even brought up with a doctor for many years, or not at all, and I feel with this new GP that it might just be worth it to discuss all these minor loose ends sometime. How nice to feel that I can, even if there is nothing to be done. I am so glad I left that last GP surgery – all I ever got was a lecture and the impression that I was wasting their time or I got the distinct impression that they did not know enough to make it worth bringing anything up in the first place! Oh for the day when ME is universally understood and treated seriously… and treated effectively! It should not be a lottery just to get a GP who listens and has a “let’s try” and a “can do” attitude regardless of any actual effective treatments…

Yesterday we went out to The National Glass Centre. I have been really struggling mood-wise (and physically as usual) since Xmas/New Year. Mostly I think I have just been in recovery from the festive period but I have been surprised by my little depressive bout, as I have been fairly stable lately on that score.

Anyway, I have been resting up and struggling on in equal measure and just feeling more and more trapped in the house so I decided the time had come to prioritise mental health over physical (a.k.a “to hell with the consequences!”) and do something fun. My partner reminded me that apart from going away over Xmas (involving travelling by car, being in a different house for a few days, then coming home – so not really giving the feeling of getting out and about, strangely) I had not been anywhere except the odd health related appointment since November when we went into town. That explained a lot.

It was great, a bit of detail can be found here.

I feel so much better today (granted physical payback has not really hit yet). I am buzzing with enthusiasm for creative things, and feel much happier. Just managing to go gives me a renewed sense that fun things are possible every now and again, and need not be stressful if they are the right size of outing in the first place.

I am hoping that the flurry of snow that fell this afternoon does not mean we are going to have a repeat of December’s weather, as I would like to leave the house again sooner rather than later!

Hello all,

I am not sure what to write about today, or how much to say. I am bored of writing how I am, which symptoms are bad and so on, though I know it serves a purpose for me in terms of tracking my symptoms and health, which is one of the reasons I do blog. I am bored with it though, and so it seems is my partner, understandably. We want to escape the never-ending discussions of how I am, which parts hurt and so on. But how? I honestly do not think it is possible.

I do not need to tell you readers who are also ill and living with other people the difficulties of being in any relationship when there is an unwanted entity (the illness) hovering around affecting everything we do, or more usually cannot do. Things are ok, and we are coping but I am just feeling a bit emotional at the start of this year.

As well as wanting me and more especially my partner to have a break from it all, I am deeply worried about a friend of mine who is in hospital. I have heard from her dad that she has had an emergency operation and is very unwell, but nothing for a few days and I cannot help but think about her and her start to 2011. She has not even been able to open her Christmas presents yet. She is on my mind a lot.

I think I am also just in recovery from going away at Christmas. I feel a sense of achievement and adventure at having gone away – I spent a few days with my partner’s family. It was good and I am very glad I went in many ways. I was made to feel really welcome and they tried really hard to accommodate my needs and it was nice to feel part of something but it was also pretty hard for me at times.

The main issues were the travel (which took 4 hours on the way there and 3 on the way back; even as a passenger that is really a lot for my poor brain to cope with. I find it very challenging neurologically to be in motion and to have such a lot of visual stimuli rushing past at the same time); the heating, which despite other people saying they felt cold was on really high and it was the hottest house I have been in for a long time (which obviously is really bad for me in terms of POTS as it means my blood pools more easily and less gets to my brain which makes me feel worse and have lower stamina and more neurological symptoms, like tolerance of noise…); and also the noise!

When there is noise my stamina is very limited and the combination of Xmas music on a loop and/or a tv turned up loud for some of the family who can no longer hear very well (and refuse a hearing aid) as well as the conversation of up to twelve people on top was at times hard to bear. Added to this was the noise of a house full of people when I was trying to rest, especially when a few drinks had been had, despite my ear plugs! People really did try so I am not blaming them, it’s just that normal festive behaviour and this illness do not mix. It is not like everyone should sit and shiver in several jumpers in silence just so that I can “do” Xmas!! It would not be fun for me or anyone else that way.

Overall it was a successful visit and I would take on the journey again when things would be quieter and hope that perhaps I could be able to leave the house when there next time to explore the city a little. It did feel strange to just be in the house all the time and not be able to situate it or explore; which seems ridiculous as I rarely go out to explore my own city, but when you go somewhere new I suppose you feel it more keenly that it is the normal thing to do. I know there were art galleries within a ten minute radius, and that hurt!

I have been feeling a bit stir-crazy actually and the trip away almost added to it for the reason given above. It gave me a sense of adventure if anything! I have not left the house much for a long time, other than for appointments, and the weather has been a big part of this. It has been just freezing with snow and ice everywhere – hardly wheelchair-friendly. I did go over to see a friend before Xmas and that was really nice, though it felt so surreal and I realised it was nearly a year since I had visited her home. She has had to visit me most of the time in the last year. Another reason is that my partner is just so busy and there is no-one else to take me out. I really find it hard to go anywhere without my wheelchair and that means being accompanied. I need to perhaps just take a taxi sometimes and sit somewhere interesting and comfortable for a while, but finding somewhere comfortable (in terms of chair, but also noise etc) is quite tricky.

Good things already planned for this year are a lecture about printmaking at a local university at the end of March. It is just an hour so I am going to give that a try if I can. Also we have booked tickets to see Iron and Wine in concert, which is also not for a while, but something to look forward to. Some of the most memorable and best things I did in 2011 were going to concerts, which has become easier now that I can sit in my wheelchair, so I hope to keep finding good people to see this year. It is great to go out with my partner and share such experiences with her. We don’t do enough fun things together.

It is my birthday this month and some time has been kept clear to do “something”. It is not yet clear what I will be up to doing, or what the options are but I am looking into it!

I hope to continue with my art immersion at home (see blog post on my creative blog) and finish the painting I am working on and move on to the other many creative things I want to work on. So many ideas, so little energy and ability! Never mind, art is a good distraction from illness. I also want to read more. I have got a Kindle for Xmas, though I had it early, and I am really loving it and how much easier it is for me to read with than a real book.

In the last few weeks I have noticed a gradual improvement in my stamina. I think there are a number of things that are potentially contributing to this improvement, which is great whatever the reason, though I would like to know what exactly is helping so that I can continue with it!

About six weeks ago I went to see the POTS specialist and had a list as long as my arm of current and pressing issues – she (rightly) could not deal with them all and it was not a successful appointment (for that and other reasons) and it upset me, but I could not pick and choose between all these issues as I was just overwhelmed by various issues which were all severe. These included: Sleep, Neuropathy and Trigeminal Neuralgia, Muscular Pain and Tension as well as other pain issues, POTS (this was low down the list so you can see how bad the other stuff was!), as well as medication issues.

She gave me a new medication to try for POTS (Diltiazem). I did not start it for the first few days as other outcomes from the appointment were that I should stop taking my sleeping tablet (eszopiclone) to see how I am without it, and also I had only just increased my dosage of Gabapentin (for Neuropathy) over the previous few days, so I did not want to confuse things by doing it all at once.

Also around this time I was having massages of my back, neck shoulders and head which were pretty intensive as the pain and tension there was really getting unbearable. My head felt so tight and painful and my scalp was really tender to touch in places (always is a bit, but was getting very bad and more widespread). My neck felt very painful and weak and was clicking in a very disturbing way low down my cervical spine. Shoulders and upper back, well, the usual. A couple of days after the third massage I felt the tension really lifted and I no longer was taking painkillers every single day. The clicking was also much less frequent – I think the muscles were not clamped so tight around the joints.  This was also the time that I started taking the Diltiazem, but I did not think it would do anything and apart from the pain/tension improvement I did not feel any different. A few days later I had my first acupuncture appointment.

It was another couple of weeks before I had the second appointment and did the Tai Chi (and “broke” my back). Then another week until the third, when I started to use the Alpha Stim (see previous post).

During the last few weeks I have noticed a gradual increase in what I can do in the day. I am certainly more active, particularly mentally. I am also sleeping much better and dreaming vividly all the time! I have taken the sleeping tablet again briefly when my mum was here and it confirmed what I thought. It does help me get to sleep but once it wears off in the early hours I feel more awake than I would have done without it. Very odd. As it is I am sleeping much more deeply than I have for a long time with no drugs at all. I am still getting up several times for the toilet but am just getting back into bed and back to sleep easily. I am also sleeping deeply most days and later in the day than I was. It is working for me despite being bad in theory to sleep late in the day (sleep hygiene blah blah). I think the higher dose of Gabapentin is helping to control my nerve related pain and discomfort which used to flare up every time I got out of bed (or in!). It is still there but milder and as long as the bedding is smooth and flat underneath me (a constant battle) it is usually ok. I think with me Gabapentin takes a few weeks to reach it’s maximum efficacy. When I first took it, although there was some improvement it was not for a few weeks that it really felt more consistent, and the same has happened with the higher dosage.

I think perhaps the added activity is also helping the sleep. I am being careful not to overdo it, though some days it is hard to stop pottering about with little things, as they all add up. I have at times got that “wired” feeling of having over-stimulated myself, but I am also recovering more quickly. I have had the odd bad day but overall it’s a very positive trend.

I even went out into town (being pushed in wheelchair). We went to three shops one evening and I did practically all my Christmas shopping. Then we went for an Indian meal before returning home! It was really great to have a meal out and I felt pretty good throughout.

I hate department stores (it was only them that opened late) but I did not get over-hot and being in the wheelchair made it much better for obvious reasons (like being able to go fifty times further!) but also in terms of navigation, which I am rubbish at in shops. It is so nice to allow someone much better at it than me to push me around: she knows where the lifts are, where the exits are, how to best get from one shop to another etc. So much more relaxing!

I also find the decision-making hard but as the shop was not too busy or noisy and I had a list of people to buy for, I just stayed calm and focussed and got through it in no time. Such a relief and great to avoid lots of deliveries coming to the door at random times when I am in bed in the day.

The most amazing thing – yes I am getting there, waffle waffle – was the payback… or should I say LACK OF PAYBACK!!! I rested the following days, but was still pottering around more than I felt I should following such a big trip out. Day three I really felt it would hit, but it didn’t really. This is unheard of in my world. I was only saying to someone more moderately affected than me a few days before that unlike her, I am rarely surprised by how ill I feel, as it is predictable: do something slightly more than usual, second day, bam – feel awful. I take a few more days to rest, then carry on with the usual routines. Even my IBS did not flare up too much after the meal out, which again, it usually does even if I am careful about what I eat.

So I was on cloud nine about that. It really made me feel that the improvements are solid, even if I have not felt quite so strong since then. I feel an upward trend again at last. I am kind of hoping that most of the improvement is down to the new POTS drug. It has been about a year since I felt any real improvement in function from Midodrine, the other drug I take for POTS, which has plateaued really, despite some dosage increase. I also tried Ivabradine which I was not sure about in terms of improvement as I had such severe neuropathy at the time I was in a lot of pain and not sleeping well at all, so I could not tell. I could not get a prescription for that in the end anyway.

If the acupuncture is helping too, then all to the good. If I can get a decent improvement in pain through that then that will help me hopefully to move and relax my muscles more and increase my function again. I like to think so anyway. I feel a little hope creeping in…

ME/CFS Awareness

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