yes, dangerous territory here, but lately i have been thinking of things that i would like to do and places i would like to go.

This is not “a list of things i will do when i am well” it is just a list of things i want to do (both seem pointless really). The fact that i would need to be much more well to do them is besides the point, i can’t help what i want and what i (would)enjoy, however out of reach they all seem to be.

A few things have set me thinking recently, partly hearing what my (healthy) friends are doing over xmas and new year and realising (again) how far away from being able to do these things i am; and partly thinking about my birthday which is a few weeks after xmas and what we could do to celebrate has made me a) think about what things are possible and b) what things i would really like to be doing. There was the suggestion of going away somewhere nearby for a long weekend  as we often have gone somewhere at this time of year and i looked at options but soon realised that either they were beyond me and likely to be depressingly hard to cope with and therefore not much fun or such a compromise that it would just remind me of how limited my options are. So we are back to playing it by ear and perhaps going out for an afternoon if i feel able to try something. I am researching possibilities for different levels of adventure/ability.

Anyway, back to the list, in no particular order and i am sure missing lots of things out!

  • Go to Cornwall
  • Go to Moray Firth to try to see the dolphins (second time lucky?)
  • Go to Plockton & Skye again
  • Visit Friends in Barcelona, Australia, Wales, elsewhere in England (more than one!) – yes i am inviting myself…
  • Go to Kew Gardens, Natural History Museum, Victoria and Albert Museum, Chelsea Physic Garden, and many other places in London i have yet to discover I am sure
  • Go up in a hot air balloon
  • Study something creative, preferably a mixed course of arts/crafts/photography/design/writing etc
  • Study horticulture at Kew? Not sure if i really want to go the whole hog on this but how cool would it be?
  • Go up into a tree top with ropes and harness
  • Go somewhere wild and beautiful and be able to walk around all day taking pictures/drawing and soaking it all in
  • Be able to work on something (artistic project) all day/week and become totally absorbed in it, lose myself and also to produce something that means something to me
  • Have a party and have lots of people who would come and have a laugh and have interesting conversations all night
  • Do some things as a couple: meals out, holidays, days out, cinema, pubs, live music, anything fun really that isn’t sitting watching tv
  • DIY and household jobs – oh, just to get stuck in!
  • and many more that my brain can’t even contemplate right now…

I have avoided posts like this before, though i have read ones that others have written. I suppose i am feeling low and just wondering when i will be able to accept this properly. Will i always struggle emotionally and feel i am missing out on “the life i could have had”? I am not sure it even IS that any more, maybe i am just wanting more that i am getting, and that seems wrong: I should be focussing on the good things i do have and it annoys me when i can’t just do that. It all seems such old territory but it still comes over me in waves, even if i am not grieving so keenly for my healthy self as i have in the past. I think the last few months have been perhaps harder than i expected and that has taken its toll. I find myself questioning if it IS this bad or am i somehow being a drama queen? There is also a sense of unreality and distancing myself from how bad things are, which i probably a protective mechanism but i feel concerned for my mental health when everyday experiences become surreal.

As my mum says: “sometimes i think i think too much!”.