I read a post by my friend today where she says she wants to pretend to be normal for a few hours, and it got me thinking. She says:
Hell yes! I know what you mean. In fact last Friday after three weeks of planning, worrying and not feeling well enough, pacing the whole week before, watching the day itself grind so slowly along while trying not to use up any energy and rest as much as possible; I went out!
I just wanted so much to have an evening of doing something normal, feeling normal (or at least not really ill), having some much-needed fun and by and large i did. I had the best indian meal i think i have ever had and spent time with a great friend. It goes without saying that this was a rare occasion for me (but i will say it anyway) and that i have suffered the consequences since (but it was worth it).
I got dressed up (as much as my limited wardrobe of non-pyjama items allowed). I put on makeup for the first time in ages which felt very odd and like i was pretending to be someone else by hiding my pallor and ill-worn face: yes, pretending to be a well person. I sniffed it warily (it goes off and smelly you know when you only use it once a year) and i was feeling very out of practice.
I also had a big dilemma about whether to take my walking stick…
I quite often have this dilemma about my walking stick. Without it i can pass as “normal”, as able-bodied, though that illusion can soon dissolve and i need to explain myself anyway. If i am going somewhere by taxi and it is door-to-door with no walking or needing to stand and wait outside, and if i am not going to be alone, i will sometimes leave it at home.
Quite often when i don’t take it i find myself in a situation i did not expect and wish i had it with me, though it is rarely a major issue as it is not really a whole lot of help to me if i feel really bad. It has a seat at the top and this can temporarily help me if i have to stand still. Mostly it is a useful signifier to others that there is something wrong with me. People will be more accommodating if i ask for help or make a request to be dropped right outside my house, they will help me with my bag etc. It makes life easier and gives people warning that i cannot walk as fast or as far as they would otherwise assume.
It is nice to feel that i am escaping my ill life for a couple of hours, that i do not stand out from the crowd as a young (ish) person with a walking stick. It is nice not to attract questions and have to explain what is wrong with me to all and sundry and then have to use energy to deal with their reactions and questions. But should i “pass” in this way? In a way i feel that it is only passing due to the assumptions of people i meet that i am able-bodied and healthy, so really the problem lies with them doesn’t it? But i cannot help but feel it is important to make visible that not everyone who is young (ish) and looks healthy really is. It feels like pretending and hiding to deny my disability by not having my stick, even though it is almost useless in a practical sense!
I wonder if this feeling comes partly from my experience as a lesbian – another situation where it can be easier to pass/pretend and rely on other people’s assumptions that everyone is straight. I make a point of correcting people when they assume i am straight (unless i feel threatened, and even then i feel guilty for not challenging them). I cannot divorce my personal actions and identity from their political impact, small as that may be when i am hardly a visible part of society 99.99% of the time. Am i using an unfair priviledge to be able to pass as straight, able-bodied etc?
Should i want to be “normal”? Should i have got over that by now and embraced my disabled identity? Well i would say in many ways i have, but being chronically ill 24/7 with no break is not something that can be embraced and loved at all times – so why do i feel a traitor to the cause? I actually do not even hope to be “normal” again or 100% well (i cannot dare to hope that far, and it seems such a no-no to even speak of it within the disabled community – but hey i am used to not fitting into the club) but a break from it all and to try on a different identity that is more a choice would be nice occasionally… is that wrong?
Am i the only one who even thinks about this stuff?
7 comments
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November 6, 2009 at 6:54 pm
Jozephine
No, I’ve had the whole ‘stick’ debate with myself too, you are not the only one. Actually, when I go out with my stick I think I even feel sicker. It’s almost as if acceptance in myself allows the illness to come out more. I had a similar experience after diagnosis when I had a real slump that lasted months.
I don’t know why I haven’t found your blog before. I’ve seen your comments and thought you talked a lot of sense.
I’m too knackered tonight to comment much more although I’d like to. Nice to e-meet you.
November 6, 2009 at 7:15 pm
ashysheela
hi – i have had a peek at your blog before but do forget to check back as i cannot sign up to feeds there and i used them to keep track of other blogs mostly… nice to emeet you too.
thanks for your comment – glad i am not the only one – not sure i feel worse with stick though, i often realise i was kidding myself i didn’t need it when i am without it. Whatever works for you though!
hope your cold is better soon!
November 7, 2009 at 1:13 am
Alyson
I related to your post in a slightly different way. Because I work full time, I feel as if I am almost always passing and pretending to be normal…to my detriment. It’s exhausting, and sometimes I wonder if I’m preventing myself from getting healthier faster.
November 7, 2009 at 6:20 pm
ashysheela
that must be so hard alyson, i am sure people won’t realise how much extra effort you are making to keep up with them.
November 8, 2009 at 5:20 am
Rachel M
This is a thoughts provoking post and there are already lots of thoughts and emotions going through in me…
About being lesbian, it’s all walking on egg shell situation, isn’t it?
I sometimes wonder when a lesbian sees me in a public, she doesn’t know I’m straight yet I have a good caring lesbian friend. And it feels stupid to introduce myself to the stranger and tell her how proud I am to have such wonderful lesbian friend… I feel that would be an alternated discrimination by only looking at her lesbian character…
I know there are many deep issues about being lesbian and I need to learn about it. To me, it didn’t came across that I needed to address I’m straight in the public yet… (The reason would be what you have pointed out in this post.) If I had the need, I would also address I have a lesbian friend and I respect her and care about her a lot.
Sorry… I’m not making much sense at the moment.
November 8, 2009 at 12:51 pm
rachelcreative
You’re not the only one who thinks about this stuff!
November 11, 2009 at 11:30 pm
ashysheela
rachel M, about being a lesbian – i don’t think there is a lot you need to understand or learn, only not to assume that everyone is straight, or that you can tell who is or who isn’t. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, just treat everyone as you always do, you are doing fine. I don’t assume people have a problem with it unless they show that they do, i just get on with my life. It annoys me when people assume i live with a man, or call me Mrs but not in a way that i think worse of them, we all make assumptions and there is worse things in the world. I just feel it is right to challenge it gently.