POTS: I went to the hospital again the other day and saw the POTS specialist and told her that after over three weeks on the higher dose of the medication i have not yet started to feel the benefits of it, in fact i have been feeling worse than on the lower dose.

I have been having quite bad side effects, particularly affecting my temperature in bed in the afternoons, where i will feel cold despite two heated wheat bags, a hot water bottle, two duvets and central heating… only to suddenly get very hot and sweaty and covered in goosebumps after about an hour of feeling cold. The top of my head was also cold and i was having to cover myself completely with the duvet! Also i felt that my stamina and recovery time from very small activities was worse. I am not having the POTS “episodes” so much although i am still dizzy and have trouble standing for long but that it at least an improvement.

So i am now back on the lower dose. i hope that i feel the benefits i felt when i was on it before, as i am starting to doubt that it was a big improvement and that i am thinking things are seeming worse now because my hopes were raised too high. It is so hard to measure/judge how bad things are as it is so subjective and changes according to what is happening at the time.

Also i wonder where we will go from here, even if the lower dose makes me feel a bit better, if i cannot tolerate the higher dose. After hoping for double the improvement on the double dose, i am wondering again if this is it.

Interestingly at the hospital my tests when i stood were different than before i was on the medication. My blood pressure did not drop as much when i stood, and my heart rate went up and down a bit but was not as ridiculously high as before nor as consistently. So it seems i should be feeling better and more able to stand… but am i? I feel as if i can stand up a bit quicker and be less dizzy but my stamina for standing is about the same. I still get weak and dizzy quite quickly. It has not lead to the acute “episode” event which would happen regularly when out at appointments etc though and this is very good. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, because i am, really, it just feels like a step backwards.

DLA: Well my tribunal is in two days. I am trying not to let it stress me out but i think it is taking it’s toll on me. I have been feeling quite down. An adviser woman came around to talk to me about what to expect, told me things to watch out for and what will likely happen. This has helped a lot, although it was all as expected really she did highlight some things that i had not really thought though. I do not think i will get much out of it but i just really hope that they listen and that i feel they have made a fair and considered judgement, even if i am not awarded anything. If they do not listen or allow me to explain how thing are properly it will be so frustrating, as the DWP medical was.

Holiday: The thing that is helping me to distract myself from the Tribunal is the thought of going away for a week! I will have a week to recover from the exertion of the tribunal, then my partner, my dog and I will be going for a week in a cottage a short drive up the coast. I am so pleased my partner can drive now 🙂 I just hope it does not rain all week so that i can take some photos and enjoy the views. I know it will be freezing cold but i think i can cope with that (as it is the same here after all). It is a small price to pay for not being able to travel abroad and it is a beautiful area anyway. Just a change of scenery will be so welcome and i hope to be able to spend a bit of time sitting outdoors enjoying the sea views, even if wrapped up like a mummy!

Work: also i have been summonsed to a meeting by my employer again to discuss my ongoing sickness absense (now over two and a half years!). It will be just after my holiday. I wonder if they are going to give me the final shove this time. I have a Union rep coming with me as usual so we will see what happens…

Anniversary: It is also now the TEN YEAR anniversary of when i became ill. I have not been dwelling on it too much as i have too much else to preoccupy me but i think it is affecting my mood a bit too. I said to my partner when she came up to bed a couple of nights ago:

“i think it is ten years today that i got ill”

she said “oh i didn’t realise, if i had i would’ve brought a sparkler up to bed!”

I thought this was a funny reaction and it made me laugh.

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