Well, i was supposed to have CBT on Monday. I was not well enough to go, so cancelled for the second time in a row. This time, however, i spoke to the psychologist who does it and he asked if i wanted to make another appointment. I said that i felt that the chances of me being well enough at any given time are quite slim and that even when i did feel able, such as the last time i went, i suffered a bad flareup of symptoms and felt very unwell for about a week afterwards, and that i did not think this was a reasonable thing to have to go through. I said that i thought it was better that i don’t hold up his waiting list and waste appointments as i did not feel this was the right time to try to attend CBT… not that i think there will be a better time πŸ˜‰

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He was very understanding. He said he had had contact from my insurance company (who hadΒ “suggested” i had CBT in the first place) who wanted a written report from him. I had already told him that i was uncomfortable with them and the information they have gathered about me, some of which i felt was not particularly relevant or accurate, so he told them he would have to show me anything he wrote before he sent it. Very nice of him. So after i said i did not think i would be coming back he offered to write a letter to the Insurance company on my behalf and said he will email it to me to check beforehand. I have not had it yet and i hope he does do that. He even asked me what i wanted it to say! I said that if he could back me up that i do not seem well enough to attend and also if he felt comfortable to say that he does not feel i am in dire need of CBT right now, i would be very grateful… he has only seen me for two hours in total and that was just asking me a lot of questions and setting the scene i felt, rather than actually doing CBT… so we will see what his letter says…

Also i did contact the DLS (Disability Law Service) and explained my situation to them, that i felt bullied into CBT and worried what they would “suggest” i undergo next, or that they would stop my payments… i don’t think i should say exactly what they said but they sent me a good email of suggestions of what to do if they do continue to make claiming difficult πŸ™‚ Thanks DLS! I feel more empowered! Thanks also Rachel for sending me the link in response to a previous post on CBT.

I probably should have told him more specifics of how badly attending had affected me last time as it was like i had used up all my cognitive function in one go answering all his questions and spent the following couple of days lying in bed and my brain was in meltdown – random thoughts flew in and out – i couldn’t remember certain things and kept thinking i had forgotten things (i probably had!) and it was all a bit traumatic. Although maybe if i told him that he would think i needed more CBT… sigh! So for now i am released from it, or at least in the process of, i am just waiting for the phone to ring though… the insurance company have not rung me for ages and it has been so nice to be left alone as they were ringing me very often for a while there before the CBT started… i suppose i will have to start screening my calls again… sigh. I always ring them back but sometimes i just am not in the right frame of mind to deal with their stupid questions…

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