Osteopath – initial appointment

I decided during the last couple of weeks i needed more than just massage to deal with my wreck of a body – the last couple of months i have had much more tense and more painful muscles all over and my upper back became so uncomfortable recently that i had to go to lie in bed in the day just to rest it, as there was no sitting position i could find that worked, and also i had to only lie on my back in bed as being on my sides was became too uncomfortable after just a few minutes… not very helpful when i already have enough problems being comfortable in bed and sleeping well.

I found an Osteopath online who was close enough that taxis would not cost too much, read his website and sent him an email. He sent a lovely one back and his charges were less than i feared, so i gave him a try today.

He was great. He says he doesn’t know if he can help me much at all as osteos rely on the body’s natural ability to heal in order to get better, once they remove whatever is blocking that. He says my regulating systems are so all over the place (the autonomic nervous system which causes so many of my more severe symptoms is very key to this) that he has no idea how it will respond. We are giving it a go anyway and i am sure he will tell me if there is no point.

He had really researched POTS and seemed to know a lot about ME and the autonomic nervous system and i was impressed by his attention to detail and enjoyed talking to him. I think i like him and will enjoy my visits which is important too.

We are focussing on making my back more comfortable/less painful, but he also says my lower back is BAD (i thought it was fine but he says the pain signals must have been switched off as it is soooo baaaad!) and that could be affecting my pelvic pain/bladder/ibs etc so he will try to help that too. My head apparently is all baaaad and solid as a rock, but i knew that, as it is always tense and painful. He spent 2 hours with me, despite me being late (taxi couldn’t find our house… again) and the appointment was only for 90 mins. I felt very spaced out and dreamy afterwards and my back does feel different, if still sore! He was very gentle – it was pure Cranial Osteopathy which is basically minute movements, mostly you can’t tell anything is happening, though he kept making discouraging noises like for him it was all very dramatic and he kept finding more bad things wrong with me! It was quite funny!

He has leant me a support pillow (memory foam?) to “try before i buy” as i was considering it but wanted to test to see if right for me before shelling out mega bucks - and i lay on it this afternoon and it was like a revelation! I could actually feel, when on my back or side, that my neck was perfectly straight and there was no pressure on it! i am sure it will help my neck and comfort levels when sleeping so he ain’t seeing it again I think the amount of time i spend in bed it could really be affecting my neck tension and may help. Hurray!

I will see how it is after i have actually slept on it, as this afternoon i collapsed into bed in a zombie state for three hours when i got home, but couldn’t sleep as such; it was a pleasant waking dream-like state. I actually felt like i was on drugs when in the taxi home; my speech was slowed and an effort but it seemed really funny to me! The taxi driver thought i was being very odd, i could tell, but i thought that was funny too! We had a surreal conversation about the weather…

The Osteopath also recommended a very expensive week-long probiotic treatment, which i will look up online, but may not jump at that quite so readily! Will see how things go…

Another Quarterly Hospital Trip

I went to the hospital today to see the POTS specialist again. I had a good time! I was a bit worried about how i would feel, and considered ringing them in advance asking them to wheel me from the entrance to the ward, as i had to go alone and it was an early appointment again, but decided i would be ok. They have moved and last time when we went to the new location for the first time i felt very disorientated. This time i had to use a different entrance and it was actually better, though a bit of a walk. I have improved a bit the last couple of days so felt ok to walk a bit.

I was impressed with the hospital entrance which had a shop, cafe, starbucks, hairdresser etc and was really pleasant. I thought i would have an easier life if i lived there as everything was so close together and convenient! I went into the shop on the way out just because i could (i miss shops, not that it had anything i wanted really).

Anyway, so the apppointment: I saw her early as the person before me did not turn up (a “DNA” – i had not heard the term for ages and it took me a few seconds to realise she meant they had not rung to cancel: “Did Not Attend”. I like the term – good for medical appointments!), so she had extra time to spend with me which was good as i had a few things i wanted to talk about.

I told her that apart from the first few weeks this three month period since i saw her last have been pretty hard, probably due to the virus i had which i have not really got over… at least i have not regained the levels of energy or strength i had before that. She asked about my typical day again to identify any peaks and troughs in function to adjust my dosage to help me through the low points. She suggested taking a higher dose first thing, staying the same at lunchtime and re-introducing the late afternoon dose which i am pleased about as i seem to have a big slump late afternoon. So that was the POTS stuff done really, she commiserated me on the virus situation as the same thing happened in the period before i last saw her. Hopefully i can avoid catching any more and maybe experience more of the glimpses of feeling stronger that i have had between these long running lows. There HAVE been times where i have managed to do more, feel better in myself and bounce back quicker, but is it hard to remember them after so many weeks that feel like regression almost to the old days before i even got POTS treatment.

I also wanted to talk to her about my pain and discomfort issues. The last few weeks my muscular pain and tension have been particularly bad. I have had to lie flat on my back a lot more (which i forgot to say) just to rest my upper back as i am having trouble sitting comfortably, even in my one comfy and supportive chair in the house. My skin has been very tender and painful to touch, particularly in areas where my muscles are rock hard underneath. I have been having regular massages which have helped a little bit, but only in a very temporary way. I have also made a bit effort to stretch the worst areas every day, which feels good immediately afterwards and i am sure had helped, but again not dramatically. 

I have also had an increase in skin itching and sensitivity, which may or may not be related to the increase in other pain, as well as more pain/discomfort from my already sensitive bladder, meaning that i feel a continuous feeling of needing a wee, especially in bed when lying on my side or when there is any clothing pressing on my stomach. The itching is also worst in bed and we now only have one sheet i can sleep on that does not cause itching, despite the others feeling quite smooth to the casual touch. She thinks the itching is probably just another symptom of my automonic nervous system not working right. She has previously given me a blood test to investigate the itching so there was nothing else to do really.

She gave me a CK blood test to see if there is anything going on with my muscles. While i do not want this to come back positive (after a quick internet search!), I am so impressed that she takes everything seriously and does not just dismiss it as a typical ME symptom and adopt the ”what do i want her to do about it” attitude of most other doctors i have known. I am reassured that if there is something she can check out she will. As usual the taking of the blood was painful, as when a needle is inserted into my veins typically nothing comes out, and today was no different. I warned the nurse before we started and she said today we might be lucky, i said i doubted it. It is like my blood is just sitting there and not going around my body with any force at all, which explains a lot. So it needed to be wiggled and a very sharp pain shot up and down my arm and persisted long after the blood was taken. Ouch! I am used to that though and am not really bothered, though it did make me a bit flushed in the cheeks and lightheaded. She also tested my urine to see if i have any infection but that was negative.

She said there is colleague who does work on muscles that i could see but i can’t remember if that was if the test comes back positive or negative - i am not sure what he can do for me – we moved on quickly to talk about other research she is doing on muscle function and ME and she asked me if i would take part (yes). It involves a muscle biopsy but she says it is pretty much like having blood taken, and seeing as that is usually painful for me i think i will cope with it. Not sure when that will happen. She seemed surprised i am so keen to take part. I am just enthusiastic to do anything i can to help with much needed research and it is good to feel i am doing something worthwhile with what limited energies i have. It is something i CAN do. Plus i like going there, it may seem sad but it often feels like a social occasion. I have known them for over a year and seen them as often as any real life friends this year! They are friendly and take time to chat. It is nice to have some social contact and be out and about.

I have made an appointment with an osteopath for Tuesday as i really need to try something new with my upper back problems in particular, although they don’t just treat backs. I am hoping to also get advice about stretching my problem areas, even strengthening them perhaps, or am i getting carried away here? Also i wonder if my pillow is the right one for me (i am constantly fighting with it to get it fluffed up to the right depth) and if he can advise me on sleeping arrangements, seeing as i spend so much time in bed. It may be making my shoulders more painful if lying on my side is putting too much pressure on them, and it has been too painful to lie on my side much lately, but i do prefer it so maybe a higher pillow (tempur?) would be helpful, but i don’t want to spend a fortune on a fancy pillow then it be no help.

My partner is away for the next few days (though she seems to be coming down with something this evening so we will see what the morning brings - virus alert!). It is the last planned trip she has this year except one overnight trip which should be ok. I am really pleased about that as i don’t think these periods of self-care have been kind to me when i am already struggling. The compound effect of several days alone can really have a big impact on me and take some getting over. Apart from the Osteopath appointment i have nothing much happening while she is away, and i am feeling ok about it now that my pain levels are gradually improving. Maybe in a few weeks i can actually have some spare energy to do some of the creative things i have on my list, as recently i have been just doing the bare minimum in daily tasks and i am getting a bit frustrated. Where is the fun? Where is the creative sparkle that makes life worth living? I have been limited even in computer time, tv time and reading abilities… this blog post may be a sign things are improving! Woman can not live on stretching and resting alone.

how do i feel about feeling good?

This may seem like a silly question, of course i am very happy and excited to be having some much better days, but i do have mixed feelings…

I also know that i am getting very ahead of myself in writing this at all as it is only a week or so that i have had this real buzz, and hardly all day everyday…  it could be just a post-holiday buzz? It does come on the back of gradual improvements over the last few weeks/months and my change to a higher dose of Midodrine a couple of weeks ago though, so maybe it may be here to stay???

Firstly let me explain. I went to Scarborough for my holiday, i got back on Sunday (a week ago). I rested for three days and did not feel too great initially, but by Thursday i felt up to going to see a friend and her baby. I went by taxi both ways as it would be a bus and then a bit of a walk otherwise, and i wanted to save energy for the visit and not overdo it so soon after the holiday. I was there about two and a half hours, mostly lying on her sofa but chatting and playing/interacting with her son. I also had my favourite taxi driver both ways and we did a lot of talking on the journeys, so it was quite an extended time of activity. I had a great time, and although i was exhausted afterwards i only had one rest day, then went out again yesterday!

So yesterday i went with my partner to the garden centre. They have a wheelchair available and we have used it before, but as i only wanted to look at plants and felt pretty good, we did not bother. I sat down a couple of times but felt fine, and we were there quite a while in the end. I was desperate for the toilet by the end and they didn’t seem to have one, so we stopped by a pub along the road and sat outside for a quick cuppa and to use the facilities. Then we went to Tesco and i went into the health food shop which is near the entrance and got a few things, then we went home. All in all this was a lot of walking about and i had felt good and really enjoyed it. We got some beautiful plants to cheer up the backyard, a couple for the front garden and two freebies as well!

 

When we got home i felt a bit less ok, so lunch was made for me and i had a lie down. However i could not sleep as too excited and after a doze i got up again and we did some potting up type activity (i was mostly instructing but still active). Then in the evening we sat outside and had a BBQ in the yard, admiring the new plants in the sunshine.

 

 

 

 

We stayed out until 8pm playing cards and chatting and it was really good. I was amazed at my stamina as it had been a long day but i was buzzing with happiness and excitement about feeling so good, just as i was on my last day in Scarborough. The Red Arrows flew by and did an amazing stunt right where we could see it, a tight and high loop in the sky, in formation, with them all plummeting earthwards together, then fanning and levelling out at the last minute – leaving a big smokey loop in the sky… it was very dramatic and we were so pleased to have seen it as it was over in a flash.

I was tired by the time we went inside but very happy. One possible warning sign of overdoing it is that i have had a lot more of a symptom i have had on and off before, which i know a lot of people with ME do get. It is like a shiver or a twitch when you are not cold. It is quite a big shiver and i have been getting it in the muscles of my shoulders and my whole upper body shakes spontaneously, particularly in the evenings when i am tired. On the up side, my muscular pain and tension has been a lot better in that area this week (since my holiday massage and such) and the shiver is painless and feels a bit like a releasing of tension, so i am not too bothered. Heat seems to help relieve it. I think it is a neurological/nerve type symptom. Maybe it is like mini electric shocks, as it does feel a bit like a TENS machine induced spasm, caused by or linked to my new extra excitable brain activity!?! I met a woman who had it very badly at a support group for ME and she would involuntarily suck in her breath when she had the shiver and it made a lot of noise due to that and was quite distracting during conversation… another unexplained ME oddity!

So it’s all good. Today i have slept more than usual and only done a bit of emailing and writing this, but have not felt too bad. These things, if i managed them at all (and certainly not in such quick succession) would take days or weeks to recover from a few months ago.

So why am i feeling a bit strange about all this? I really don’t know how to explain it…

Firstly i have a feeling that i am somehow cheating someone or something, that this is not my reality, my life, my lot. This feeling is quite worrying, but it is no wonder i just expect to feel awful all the time, i suppose, based on the last few years. It is a survival strategy not to expect anything to change. I think also i have to spend so much time explaining what i can’t do for benefits reasons and to people who share my life or new people i meet, that when things change it is as if i have been lying… hmm that sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? Change is always an adjustment…

Maybe i feel bad because i am getting Midodrine for my POTS (the very likely main reason for me feeling better) which is unavailable to everyone else and i know they may read this and it is always hard to read that other people are improving when you are not, usually i am the one who is not, but when will their turn come?

Also, I think it just feels a bit surreal to me, very unreal, and perhaps i cannot trust it to last or continue to improve… maybe i am coming around to that dangerous concept of Hope again! I cannot help but let my mind get carried away with itself; from dreaming of day trips and socialising, to doing courses, travelling places… and all the things that may become possible if things improve even more! (hmm better stop that!) I am already almost expecting August to be great… very dangerous territory…

It is mostly the euphoria i am feeling that feels strange. I am getting very high and excited (is better circulation to my brain allowing such feelings?) about quite simple things… most people do not get overly excited and “high” about a short wander to the beach, or a trip to the garden centre on a sunny day, do they? I wonder if it is just because it is so amazing to be able to go and even more amazing/unusual to feel good while doing these things, rather than just surviving them? If so, will the excitement fade if it becomes more everyday and normal to feel this good? (I hope not.) I am not getting any low mood as a come down, but i almost feel like i am on drugs at these times! Is it just my brain chemicals playing up? Was i depressed before but did not know it?

Anyway, I am trying to just take each day at a time, not to overdo it and rest up in between things. Importantly i must remember how bad i still feel regularly, how my life is set up based on me being barely able to look after myself/do much and if i reintroduced all the self care and household tasks that i do not do, i would not feel so positive; that what i am able to do is a big improvement for me but still very low level for most and I should not get carried away on the very odd but FUN tide of euphoria and just see what happens…

(but who can blame me?!!)

Off on my hols!

Well, it is that time of year, after all.

It will be my second holiday as i went to Holy Island (with my partner and dog) in February, which was a great week and did me so much good. See my post about that here. I was only saying recently that a) the year is flying by and i don’t feel like i have done much apart from our holiday and b) if it wasn’t for that holiday i would not have taken many good pictures this year as yet, which was my main resolution for the year: to get out more to photogenic places!

So this time i am off to Scarborough again for 4 nights. I am going to the same place i have been twice before, once with my sister and once alone. This time i will also be alone. My partner is going to Spain for work reasons and i really struggled last time she was away, and had quite a lot of “payback” in recovery from being alone, so i thought i would go away too. At least this way i can have my meals made for me, have no washing up to do and hopefully have some fun as well along the way. If i am going to overdo it, i may as well have some fun!

It was/is a bit of a gamble. I had the idea a couple of months ago and was operating at such a low level health-wise then that i thought there was no point in going, as i would find the journey too hard and not be able to leave the hotel at all. The last few weeks though, apart from the odd blip and a series of very bad headaches, I have been feeling stronger and i think now there is a good chance i will deal with the journey ok. That is, as long as the disabled assistance turns up WITH the wheelchair I have booked to help me change trains, unlike they did at one point in my journey last time i went - ”they are all being used” was the excuse… hmm i only booked 2 months ago!!

I also think because it is summer this time i will be able to sit outside more easily. Last time i only left the hotel once and went for drink in a pub as it was December and there were not many warm options. This time i can sit on the beach, in the park, or just in the garden at the hotel and that will be much better. I am taking a couple of cameras and a notebook and hope to be creative too (maybe a haiku or two!?). (i know i am repeating myself from a previous post here, but never mind, it is worth repeating myself when i am excited!).

I have been able to read more lately as well, as my eye muscles seem stronger and my blurred vision is less regular and my powers of concentration are a bit better too; so i am taking a (hopefully) good book of short stories to read as well: The Winter Book by Tove Janssen (of Moomin fame)… she wrote one called The Summer Book too, but why be seasonally correct?! I have read the intro by Ali Smith (who i admire greatly) and she makes it sound so amazing that i hope the book is not a let down after such high praise!

I can have a massage or two while i am there and hope to meet and chat to some interesting people like i did last time. The hotel owner has promised to help me wash my hair mid-visit and to cater for my odd dietary needs, so off i go!

Wish me luck! I shall catch up with you all next week…

Trip to the Hospital today

So, i went to see the POTS specialist this morning for my 3 month review and this involved setting my alarm for seven am… i have to take my midodrine then wait half an hour before rising so i lay there until half past trying to convince my body to rouse itself… it was hard. I had a little breakfast then my partner drove us to town. As it happened the rush hour was lighter than usual and we got there quite quickly, but happily i was seen a bit early too.

I was told last time that she may give me another drug to try on top of Midodrine when i go this time, but had not told me what it may be. I had a bit of a nightmare thought a few days ago that it may be SSRI anti-depressants as i have read they can help with POTS, and also i know that beta-blockers are used too (they have side effects which don’t seem good for a pwME). I started remembering all the side effects and experiences of being on anti-depressants and started to worry about what to do if this was her next plan for me. One the one hand, if it would help the POTS is it worth trying again, despite my negative experiences and associations? I was not sure.

But thankfully all she suggested was upping my current dose again and taking more of it earlier and not bothering with any at tea time. I am happy with this as although i have not felt great the last three months and the first two months after upping the dose last time i really didn’t think it had made a lot of difference, the last few weeks i have felt stronger in myself and think at last it could be midodrine having a positive effect. Month two was plagued by wedding recovery and virus, so that could have delayed any awareness of it working being apparent.

I did ask her what the other drugs may be that we may try in the future. She reassured me it would not be an SSRI, but a new drug to slow the heart, or Florinef, which i have heard of. So i am happy to hear that.

The meeting was over pretty quickly and i came away feeling like i had not said something. I often feel like this though, especially when i have been building up to a meeting for ages then it is over so quick and i don’t trust my brain so much these days to remember everything either.

I did not mention the urine test i took, but more importantly i did not mention the muscular pains and tensions, headaches and skin tenderness that continue to plague me. They are more ME related than POTS related but who should i talk to about them (if anyone)? I am no longer seeing the ME specialist as he said i didn’t need to see them both and the POTS specialist deals with ME patients/diagnosis etc. but when i see her she doesn’t ask about those things. My GP would probably not have the specialist knowledge about ME and I have never got much useful out of them about specific symptoms before. I no longer see a particular GP, i just take lucky dip when i go as i have given up on the one i used to choose and have not settled on a new “favourite” yet. I only really go for sick notes anyway as my employer still wants them(!). I think i will see if these symptoms improve over the next three months and if not i will make a mental (and paper!) note to mention them next time i go. Life would be much more pleasant and productive if these symptoms were not so often present… I think the POTS specialist thinks that all my symptoms will improve as the POTS is treated and improves – this has largely been the case, but has affected a few dramatically and some not so much.

We shall see, as always…

Just Four Quid!

After going to my sister’s wedding and then having the “virus from hell” just over three weeks ago, i have been really struggling… (not that i wasn’t before you understand!) BUT i finally feel a bit better the last few days – back to a level that i can live with longer term – anything less than this is just not do-able. It may only last a few days but it is nice to feel that each day is a bit easier, not that i am actually doing much, but being is easier. It makes me realise how hard things have been when this feels so good! Just a few days ago i was feeling very different, and everything felt like a real struggle but i am enjoying the upturn while i can. So, despite continuing muscular pain and headaches, i am feeling quite positive.

Due to being otherwise engaged i was a bit late starting on my Just Four Quidactivities, but last week i managed to get my JustGiving pages set up and then email everyone i know to tell them about it. I optimistically set my target for the year as £250 for each of the two charities (as you have to set a target) but i did not think that i would make it in a month of Sundays…

Amazingly i have already exceeded my target for the Ramsay Research Fund and my ME Research UK page is starting to look at bit better after my Dad thought it needed cheering up and made a second donation! So far I have raised £450 in total and I am so chuffed and so grateful to everyone and their generosity. I really thought that a few people would give a tenner (which would have been great), but i have had some HUGE amounts given. I really means a lot and has cheered me up hugely to think that something so great can happen from a relatively small action on my part – all i did was ask! True, i cannot run a marathon so should not be expected to “do” anything like that and also i would not be comfortable asking again and again for money; but i am so surprised and encouraged that my small actions have created some money and potential positive change for the future for people with ME.

I would encourage anyone who has some family/social contacts but who doesn’t think that there is any point, to give it a go, you may be surprised who donates, as i have been. If they don’t, well it doesn’t matter – you gave it a go! I think it maybe makes some people feel good that they can do something useful/practical to demonstrate support for me and my situation when there is nothing much left to say, although maybe i am reading too much into it.

If it is energy issues preventing you, then feel free to base your justgiving pages on mine (see the links to them on the left of my blog) and i will send you a copy of the email i sent round to people too if that helps (just ask). Thinking what to say can be the most time and energy consuming part.

So anyway, it is nice to have good news!

More good news is that i have booked a few nights in Scarborough again to the same place i have been before. Last week i was thinking there was no point as i wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel, the travel would be a trauma etc etc but this week i feel that it is do-able and that i won’t have a good time if i don’t give it a chance. SO let’s hope this better feeling last until i go in a month’s time!

Last time i went i only left the hotel once for a cuppa on the harbour front, but i was only just starting to take Midodrine then and my POTS symptoms were a lot worse. Although i still feel bad when i stand for any length of time, i am not living in fear of imminent collapse as much these days and can stand and walk for longer (as long as i am generally feeling ok – some days or times of day there is just no point trying is there?). Also that was December and this will be July so i hope to be able to sit in the park, on the sea front etc and be outside a bit more in a gentle and relaxed manner without freezing myself half to death! So i am looking forward to a summer holiday. It may not seem exotic to others but it is as far as i can possibly venture these days, and it is MINE!

Other news is that i have ordered the urine test “for ME” (see previous post) and am stopping taking Kefir from now until it arrives as probiotics can apparently affect the results… so we shall see if i have ME ha ha ha.

Massages, Itching and Pain

On Thursday i had a full body massage and (possibly) learnt more about my body than i expected! Certainly i am asking more questions!

It was much needed as I had had a bad headache for 3-4 days and even when that improved i was left with so much tension in my head, neck and shoulders that it was still painful to touch many areas. I often/always have these tender points, in my upper back, shoulders, jaw, scalp etc. They are little knots of pain and i am unsure what i can do to ease them. Anything which helps seems very temporary and they always return to their previous level of tenderness within a short time. These symptoms were at their worst before i started to take Midodrine, which did seem to ease the almost nightly headaches (as more blood was flowing to my upper torso and head – which is kind of useful to have!), but every now and again they do resurface and there is always that underlying muscle pain and tension. I am wondering if the higher dose of Midodrine i am on is causing this clenching up of my muscles, (i did have worse upper back pain the last time i tried to up the dose) but of course it could be a myriad of other causes…

So that was my motivation for going, as well as the fact that i have a busy weekend away coming up (my sister’s wedding!) the prospect of which is causing me some anxiety, as travel and social situations always do, due to how difficult they can be to take part in and the impact they can have on my health for weeks afterwards – there have been moments where i have doubted i am well enough to go at all, but i am feeling more positive now, and looking forward to actually attending a family event for once!

I have not been for a massage for a long time and it was so good. As always when i go, i realise how much it was needed, discover areas of pain and tension i was not immediately aware of, and think how much it would help me to have a massage much more regularly. I do not know if that would create any long term improvement, or prevent my muscles getting into such a state or if the relief is just temporary… I think it would take a lot of massages and more than i can afford anyway!

When the massage started she did my face and front of shoulders and upper arms, and immediately on touching my upper arms, said there were a row of knots down the front (it was very sore there with even a light touch, which i have been aware of for months). She asked me if i do weight training! Apparently they are “Weight-Lifters Knots”!! I did laugh at that. I explained to her that i struggle to lift even small things, like the kettle, and that my muscles do not behave like normal muscles, as they quickly lose power and energy and over-react with pain and tension for a long time if “over worked”…. She was very surprised and said that she would have thought i was a weight lifter if i had not told her… She asked again to clarify: “so you couldn’t go to the gym and lift a few weights?” “Er, no, really, most days i cannot get as far as the corner shop, i rarely leave the house… i could not get to the gym, never mind do anything when i got there” or words to that effect… As keen as i am to educate people about ME and spread awareness it is quite a pain to have to use time when i am supposed to be relaxing (and I am paying) to explain this stuff but i answered a few more questions (no, i don’t just fall asleep all the time, i am not just tired, i am ill… etc etc blah blah blah).

Anyway, it is reassuring that my muscles appear normal in size etc after 3 years of pretty severe ME and ten years in total of being unable to do any kind of “exercise” as the term is generally understood, though i was more active for several years than i am able to be now. It is something which has baffled doctors and led to people being disbelieved and denied benefits (still are, if you read the guidelines for decisionmakers for DLA on ME/CFS which suggest there should be muscle wasting in evidence to qualify as severe… will find link if anyone interested, but can’t be bothered now!)  as doctors would expect more muscle wasting considering the lifestyle we claim to lead. There have been different theories about why it only happens in people who are very severely affected but it is not fully understood how our muscles maintain their tone.

It seems that my muscles are reacting as if they are overworked. In a way they are (yes i am a closet weight-lifter!): As i say, they struggle with everyday tasks like lifting a kettle, moving a chair, lifting a watering can. What is even harder and has a more long term effect is anything repetitive, like rubbing to clean the bath before i get in, chopping something, rubbing my scalp when washing my hair, and i generally avoid this kind of activity when i can as it leads to muscle pain, long term aches and cramping, as well as adding to a feeling of general weakness and exhaustion afterwards. Some days are better than others, depending on my general state and if i am already in recovery from something or struggling in general.

So far, so much i already knew. What i found intriguing was that, as well as my upper arms, my lower legs at the sides (from ankle bone up, on outsides of legs) were also incredibly sore to the touch and knotty under the skin. I have been having really sensitive skin in these areas (upper arms and legs) as well as itching. My legs in that area are so sensitive that if something touches them unexpectedly (like in bed) it is like a bolt of electricity running through my whole body. I have a real problem of certain areas of skin being so easily irritated and therefore often itchy that it affects my sleep as well as what clothes i can wear. I have to “sweep” out the bed before i get in to get rid of any tiny bits of dirt or dead skin or whatever that has been carried in from the floor, as any of this stuff (which i call “Gravel” as it is so sharp to me, though tiny) can cause a major episode of itching.  I find if there is dead skin on those areas it triggers itching and if i moisturise after a bath and the dead skin rubs off (gross i know, but it does) the itching stops, despite me having rubbed it, which is usually something i avoid as it can trigger the itching. I was starting to think that my nerves were over sensitive and that i had a problem with my skin and pain, though i had no idea what to do about it. This may be partly true but the massage therapist seemed to think that the knots and tension in those areas may be partly causing this extreme discomfort i am having in the skin of these areas. I suppose it makes sense as that underlying tension must affect the skin and could make it more tender and sensitive in the whole area surrounding the problem.

I have heard varoius people asking about skin itching and if it is a symptom of ME. There was a letter in a recent ME Association magazine, and one on a message board i saw recently too. They caught my eye as i have had these problems for a long time. The consensus seems to be that, no, itchiness is not a symptom, but it seems to me in bodies that are riddled with problems that there can be knock-on implications causing almost anything!! (what a cheery thought). My sister has ME and also has problems with itching and sensitive skin.

I have another problem of itching which may or may not be related where if i have a shower my lower legs in particular always react very severely and start to itch. It can last for several hours and all i can do is sit in bed and stroke the skin gently which seems to confuse the nerve signals a little. It can be so painful that i am in tears and is obviously exhausting and distressing. It is like nerve pain, i think the word itching does not do it justice! I never shower now, and the rare occasion that i have (when no bath available) it still happens.

It also sometimes happens after a bath, particularly if the water is not hot enough. I think there is something to do with temperature, as it seems to happen when i get out of the bath and the cold air hits my legs. It first happened when i was 13 years old, so i wonder if there is a hormonal influence. The stimulation of the shower may trigger the itching sometimes, or it could be a problem of being upright, as in the shower and when i get out of the bath. These days i have a very strict ritual around my bath, the temperature, shaving (stubble and hair seem to aggravate the problem so i have to shave every 2-3 days, which is a big comittment when ill), standing for as little time as possible and exposing my legs to as little cool air as possible on energing from the bath. I get straight into bed and moisturise with my tried and tested “safe” moisturiser, then lie there allowing any itching to subside and i cool down slowly and in a controlled manner. I have also noticed it can be worse in Autumn and wonder again if the dead skin as my (usually meagre) tan fades is irritating my skin… so many questions.

Of course i have told a few doctors about this over the years and they have no idea! There is no rash and that is where the discussion ends…

Anyway, i had another massage today (trying for a compound effect) which was great again. I asked her what her advice would be to weight lifters who have “weight-lifter’s knots” and she said that stretching can really help. I already do stretch tense areas, but kind of randomly. When my POTS was at it’s worst i couldn’t even stretch up in a chair without serious dizziness but that is better now… Maybe i should make more effort to do it several times a day and see if it helps… so many things to fit into my day though!

ME Awareness Day 2009 – What are my symptoms?

(This is one of several posts i have written for ME Awareness Day – click here to see my main page and link to the other things i have written, and click here to see what everyone else is blogging about!)

I have been mulling over what to write about for ME Awareness Day 2009 for the last few weeks… there are so many issues that i could talk about, personal, political, medical – but in the end i thought i would keep it simple (that was before i started to actually list my symptoms!) and share with people all the symptoms i have experienced in the last few years (I have been ill for over ten years but will focus on the last three years since i left my part-time job when things got worse again. Apart from the initial period of illness, the past three years have been the most consistently severe).

I want to convey the very important message that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (my official diagnosis) IS NOT JUST FATIGUE!!

(I should mention here that i also have another (additional) diagnosis of “POTS” (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) which is a collection of symptoms relating to my Autonomic Nervous System not working properly. Apart from the tachycardia and nearly passing out, I cannot really separate the two illnesses or sets of symptoms as they are interrelated and i have no idea which causes what much of the time, never mind if they are actually part of the same condition/illness. Quite a lot of people with CFS/ME also have POTS and most others will have symptoms of autonomic dysfunction to some extent; particularly those who are moderately to severely affected. These can include: Dizziness and lightheadedness, digestive problems, problems with standing and being upright (feeling much better lying down), lack of temperature control, circulation problems and blood pooling in lower limbs, and many more). 

I do not like the name Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS); i think it does minimise the complexity of the illness and lead to many people claiming to have it, or being diagnosed with CFS, who actually do not have it. People can be tired out and run down for many reasons and this can drag on and affect their lives very negatively, and i have every sympathy for them, but it does not mean they have the same illness that i have. Maybe we can all get appropriate treatment once this is sorted out. I won’t get into all the ins and outs of this issue here (the variety of diagnostic criteria used to diagnose and the implications this has on credible research into the condition/or conditions) but i feel it is really worth emphasising the full range of symptoms and bodily systems affected by CFS/ME, many of which perhaps do not get mentioned.

It particularly frustrates me when doctors and other medical professionals (who should know better) say to me, when i am feeling particularly bad at an appointment, and have lost the ability to speak clearly and express myself:

“Yes, I know, you are feeling very tired today”

I suppose they are attempting empathy and trying to make me feel understood, but i just scream inside that they know nothing if they still think of CFS/ME in this way. I do NOT feel tired: i feel physically and severely ILL. I feel that essential bodily functions/systems are shutting down one by one and it is truly frightening to experience my body in this state of crisis.

I often feel i am moaning on too long for people to tolerate if i talk about my symptoms in detail, in fact i often do not focus in on them myself unless they are severe as it is just easier to get through the day by distracting myself from them/ignoring them as much as possible… but here they are in all their glory…

 
(List of symptoms included at end of post in case you cannot read the image)(To see the image larger, click on it, which will link to Flickr)

 This is just a personal picture,of course, and other people will have a different set of symptoms and will experience my more minor symptoms as major and vice versa. I have found that the symptoms seem to evolve and change over time, some improve, but often others move in and take their place, so it feels that quality of life does not change much overall.

The implications of these symptoms obviously affect every single minute of my life, and everything i (attempt to) do. Everything i do manage to do comes at a high “price” in terms of having chosen it over other things (this often means choosing between things that others would deem as all “essential” tasks to do in a day) as well as in terms of what is officially called “post exertional malaise” or otherwise known as “payback” (if i do something that uses too much energy/exertion i will then have a period of hours/days/weeks where i am operating at a much lower level of functioning and experience many more symptoms, and more severely, than usual) so every little thing needs to be considered as to it’s importance in relation to how strong i am feeling at the time, a wearying decision-making process in itself, and always a gamble…

I have made two more pictures like this, about other aspects of ME: the impact of these symptoms on my ability to function, and the things that people (mostly medical professionals) have said to me about my illness. Click here to read that post too!

Please do not use my image/artwork without asking!

This work is licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.

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Symptoms: Vertigo, noise sensitivity, tightness of scalp, sensitivity to light, lack of stamina, nosebleeds, dizziness when standing, sitting, moving, speaking or concentrating, tinnitus, TMJ (Jaw joint) dysfunction, breathlessness, light-headedness, eye muscles slow to react to light/focus, tension headaches, clicking of back, neck and other joints, facial paralysis, dry eyes, constant thirst, aching eyes, blurred vision, mental fatigue, tri-geminal neuralgia, neck, shoulder and upper back pain and tension, painful points on scalp and upper back, hormonal issues, reactive depression, swollen and painful lymph nodes, shivering/goose bumps/spasms when not cold, sensitivity to movement in visual field, tachycardia (POTS), memory and concentration problems, difficulty speaking, pallor, weak bladder, almost fainting, pins and needles/severe itching of legs, shaking, muscular weakness and fatigue, ticks/twitches in muscles, lacking in energy, paralysis on waling, defecation syncopy, IBS, freezing cold feet when body hot, lack of stress tolerance, movements slowed, need to be horizontal and have bed-rest in day, weight gain/loss, post-exertional malaise/payback, disturbed/prolonged sleep, generalised weakness, lack of body temperature regulation, excessive sweating, hot flushes, trembling leg muscles, walking difficulties, sensitive skin – easily irritated and painful to touch, heavy aching thighs.

ME Awareness Day 2009 – things people say & impact of symptoms

(This is one of my “Blogging for ME Awareness Day” posts – see the rest of my posts for this event here, and what others are writing/doing here!)

Here are some additional pictures, following on from my previous post and the image of my Symptoms.

One is showing the impact of my symptoms (see the connected post first) on my life and ability to function, and the other is  some of the things that people say to me about my illness.

Impact:

(click on the image to link to Flickr, where you can view “all sizes” and see the image much larger, to make it easier to read. The text in the image is reproduced at the end of this post for those using a screen reader).

There is much more i could have included in this image, had i the space, and the impact of the “things people say” image (below) would be another picture in itself!

Things People Say:

 

 (click on the image to link to Flickr, where you can view “all sizes” and see the image much larger, to make it easier to read. The text in the image is reproduced at the end of this post for those using a screen reader).

The bold quotes are what medical professionals have said to me, the unbolded are the general public. Of course these are just a selection, some i have heard many times. I have focussed on medical ones as it hurts the most coming from them…

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The effect of all of this is, of course; social isolation, depression, frustration, difficulty maintaining relationships with friends and family and meeting new people, difficulty pursuing interests, difficulty being a member of any community (except the online ME community – thank goodness for internet) and much more… 

…and we are largely left to get on with it, or to fight: for credibility, benefits, medical attention or other support, and for research into treatments and causes which is only just beginning, and not government backed.

I feel there could be many more pictures to make in this vein, but perhaps these three give some idea and increased awareness of the lot of people with ME…

One other idea was to label the body with the findings of abnormalities from medical research to date, to show how much has been discovered already about the physical basis of this condition, but it has taken me weeks to do what i have done already for this year’s ME Awareness Day and the thought of searching through medical info and jargon was a bit overwhelming! Maybe another time…

Please do not use my image/artwork without asking!

This work is licenced under a Creative Commons Licence.

******

text from pictures is below:

 Impact:
Travelling anywhere very challenging due to sensory overload of visual stimuli (light/movement), noise, speaking to people, strong smells; plus the effort of getting ready, stress of remembering what I need, pain from bad seating, having to walk/stand on demand, and more, mean the I often feel terrible after only short journeys, meaning I am not well enough to do whatever I went out for and need to get home to bed asap to recover. If this is not possible I can become very ill and be barely able to speak of walk.
Being in bright, noisy, hot, busy environments like restaurants, cinemas, shops or other social settings is very draining.
Sitting on any chair/sofa that is not fully supportive of spine and head soon causes pain and takes more effort/energy to hold myself up. It is hard to know in advance if there will be anywhere suitable to sit when I go out. If there isn’t, I have to leave much sooner.
Payback after anything more than a small amount of activity (how small is variable, as are recovery times)
Moving around the house, climbing stairs, rising from chair can be hard.
Walking any distance challenging/very draining or simply impossible.
Need for regular bedrest during the day, often after only an hour since getting up the last time.
Cognitive problems cause difficulty with memory, understanding what people are saying to me, being able to respond quickly enough, reading and taking in information, and concentrating on these things makes reading, having a conversation (phone or in person) organising myself and so on, very exhausting. A five minute conversation can put me in bed for an hour or more.
Standing very difficult: to cook, clean teeth, dress, shower, walk, queue, do housework, talk at the front door, stand to chat, and much more are affected.
Muscular weakness makes reading, being on the computer or doing creative things hard because my eyes get tired, painful and blurred quickly; as well as obvious things like walking, carrying even a light bag for a short time, housework… repetitive things like chopping things, stirring, rubbing (eg to wash hair) are particularly hard as muscles can seem ok initially then lose power fast.

Things they say to me:

(The medical professionals)

I have met lots of people like you, I can fill out these medical questions for you…

 I feel you have helped me more than I have helped you

You don’t look ill

You just want to be cared for – you can’t face adult life and responsibility

Do you do pacing? So how do you know your limits if you never reach them?

You will never get well if you are depressed

What are your hopes and goals for 2008?

Your illness is certainly mostly psychological

If you look hard enough into yourself you will find the reason you continue to feel ill

It could be the position of your bed… in relation to ley lines

Everyone has baggage and issues – what we need to work out is why people with ME don’t deal with them in the normal way and become ill

You are depressed. You don’t feel depressed but it is manifesting itself physically

Just try turning the tap on a little bit at a time rather than having one big cry

Who do you blame for your parents’ divorce?

 

(Other people):

 

We all get tired

Your life sounds like everyone’s ideal life

There are much worse jobs than this, you don’t know how good you had it here

You should go to Pakistan and see a witch doctor, my uncle couldn’t walk at all, NHS couldn’t help him: now he is fine!

You’re too ill to work? (chuckles) what’s that like?

Do you believe in God? You should…

I was off work once when I hurt my back, but after a few weeks I had to go back: I had no choice

Building up to ME Awareness Week!

Getting excited about next week now! I have been working hard preparing my blog for ME Awareness Day (/week/month) on 12th May and am really looking forward to reading what others will be writing. I may have to post a little early (spread the fun out, i say). I have been reading all the posts on the ME Awareness Blog about all the things people all over the world are getting involved in to mark the occasion and feeling the sense of collective action… I also contacted my local ME group who are organising tea parties to say i want to attend/help out at one (as i don’t think i can host one myself) and they said they will let me know if something suitable comes up – so maybe i will meet some new folk too!

My diet for my IBS is going well. Things have continued to be calm and free of drama, except for a blip last Friday, so a couple of days ago i ate some cheese, and today i introduced some wheat flour (pancakes!). So far so good, but don’t want to speak too soon. I know i cannot tolerate large quantities of bread, and pastry and things like pizza base often really upset me, also, oats seemed to cause 4 days of upset the other week… but i think if the pancakes don’t have a noticable reaction when i have been gluten free for some time, then maybe it’s not something i need to worry about too much and i can just carry on eating wheat/gluten in small amounts. I think the main reason things are so much better is the reduction of fibre, and not eating raw fruit & salads (which is also to the same end) but while i am on i thought i would try to find out if i was overly sensitive to likely culprits, I am hoping not!

I have also purchased some Kefir, which someone recommended to me. It is like growing your own yogurt culture, except it is meant to be even better for you than live yogurt or probiotic tablets… so will let you all know how that goes as well! Dr Sarah Myhill talks about it on her website.

I have not been feeling too great in general, i had three things i could have gone out to in the last week and could not go to any of them (not that i usually go to three things in a row!). I am finding the smallest things are really draining me, like when the cleaners came on wednesday and one was really stressed (someone had backed into her car that morning) and just five or ten minutes of listening to her tell me about it tipped me from feeling quite good, to feeling awful the rest of the day, despite going back to bed…

I have managed to raise my dose of Midodrine up to 5x 2.5mg day, where i was on 2x 2.5mg. It has not been too bad, and i am really pleased to have managed it this time, but i wonder if that is dragging me down a bit as my body adjusts… as always, who knows… maybe it’s all the blogs i have been working on – actually that makes sense let’s hope people read it!

I did manage to go to a local wood on May 3rd -  the bank holiday weekend –  and it was absolutely magic – bluebells, sunshine, birds singing - and it really was just what i needed – would like to go back as soon as i can as it was just lovely!

Here is a picture i took:

 

 

 

Ahhh – see how relaxing it looks! I wish i could live in there! A real “may day” spring feeling was had by all